We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
