in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize