You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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