So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
