This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
