I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
COCAINE IS GR8
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
