whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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