I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Also, beer. Big fan.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
