I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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