I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
