o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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