dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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