I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
