I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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