I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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