If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He did a backflip because drugs
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
