i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
