I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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