She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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