So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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