Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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