everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just puked most of my soul out..
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