if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Someone signed my nipple.
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