the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
