he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
