You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Who died my cat blue again?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
