i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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