Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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