So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
