PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
