i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My life is pants optional.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
