I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Randomize
