You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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