Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
