Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
