$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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