Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
