I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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