i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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