this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
