when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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