I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
