My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
