Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize