When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize