you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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