I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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