Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
