He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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