I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Panties = found
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
