My room smells like vodka and shame
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
