Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
