i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
