Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize