so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
