i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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