the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
