my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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