my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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