Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
