everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
