there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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