I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
