Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
