You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
