I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This can only be settled by a dance off.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
